Schadenfreude
by Creature of Habit
Summary: When is an innocent lick not an innocent lick? Oh, Marik. What will we ever do with you!


Anyone familiar with my writing, knows well by now that I find inspiration in the oddest of places. This time, it comes courtesy of _Melting Clock Times_. I think the stories are made up – however, truth being stranger than fiction... uh huh. Oh well. It helped me pull together this bit of madness, so, I am far from complaining.

I have had a seriously rough couple of months. I am in dire need of a laugh. Liking to share the wealth, it would make me feel doubly good if those who read this get a chuckle out of it as well.

Rating this **M **for content and sparse cursing. I prefer, as always, to err on the side of caution.

Schadenfreude means _taking pleasure in the misfortune of others._

The chapter title refers to one of those weird _psychosexual stages _of Sigmund Freud.

Set to the tune of _Boombastic _by Shaggy.

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. And, much as I could use it (couldn't we all?), I am not making a penny off writing this. I credit **_**Melting Clock Times **_**with the disturbing, yet, inspiring feature – which I further perverted, with characters I do not own, but wish I did, for my own sick amusement, which I should probably be spanked for. **

**But, only pretend spank. I'm a pseudo-masochist, you see. **

_**Schadenfreude  
By: Creature of Habit**_

**Oral Fixation**

"I told you – I _so _told you!" Yes, he certainly had.

_Marik_, Malik had warned him a thousand and one times, _that tongue of yours is going to get you in real trouble one of these days. _Of course, neither one of them could ever have imagined that said trouble would involve an all too common household appliance and a newspaper headline, that read...

"**Local Police Launch Manhunt for Vacuum Cleaner Molester." **Malik loudly announced to the kitchen and it's three seated occupants, shoving the paper, with a security camera photo of Marik, in said Marik's face.

Bakura wasted no time in busting a gut.

Ryou frowned. "How, exactly, _does _a person..." The white-haired teen was quick to button his lip, cowering under the hot, _I can not believe you would even attempt to ask that question, Ryou_, glare of the Egyptian hikari.

"I already told you, I just _licked _it!" Marik defended.

Malik, seething, was not impressed. "Yes, Marik, to you, it's just a _lick_. To other people, it's _Electrolux rape_!" A thwack, as he slapped the flustered man over the head with the newspaper.

Ryou made a sour face, mumbling a quiet, _did not just hear that_.

Bakura almost choked on his orange juice.

"Listen, Malik," Marik argued, "what I do is _entirely _natural." Bakura, head cocking to one side, quirked a brow, a flippant smirk on his lips. Oh, this oughta be good. "It's how I _learn _about things, it's how I _mark _things..." The tomb robber bit his lip to keep from laughing.

A pause, as lavender eyes narrowed, then went saucer wide. "Have you been peeing on the furniture?!"

Ryou... walked out.

"I don't know about _him_," Bakura sputtered, "but if you two keep this up, I just might!" As hard as he was laughing, it was a definite possibility.

Marik glared daggers at his cackling friend.

Thwack!

"Malik!" Marik yelped, covering his head.

Thwack!

"What the hell are you hitting _me _for?" Bakura snapped, also smartly shielding his own skull. "I'm not the sexual deviant out defiling virgin appliances!"

Thwack!

Thwack Thwack!

Thwack Thwack Thwack Thwack Thwack!

"Goddamn it, Malik – _quit it_!"

"Holy Jesus, I think he's lost it!"

The thump of heavy, retreating footsteps.

"Hey, Malik?" Bakura called.

Malik, quite to the spite of his better judgment, halted. "_What_?"

"Is that a new toaster over there?"

"One hour." Malik growled, point a stiff finger at Marik.

Marik frowned. "One hour for _what_?"

Lavender eyes narrowed to slits. "You're going to see Dr. Blauvelt." Wicked smirk on his lips, the hikari stomped out of the kitchen.

Marik blinked, gulping. Scowling at the laughing thief, he slapped him hard across the back of the head.

"Vacuum rapist."

"Shut up."

**FIN**

Nubile, sexy vacuum cleaners? Yes. The article _actually _says this. I mean, I have a hard enough time wrapping my mind around that Japanese guy (at least, I think he was Japanese – no offense to the Japanese – my best friend is Japanese) who had that fetish for left (or was it the right?) socks (shoes?) Yeah. But... vacuums? I think my brain just exploded. _Vacuums_? O_O

Before anyone asks: Yes! I do plan on adding to this. However, I cannot guarantee how many chapters there will be. I am planning on at _least _three – whether there will be more than this is dependent on a number of variables. So... we will see.

Reviews would be much appreciated, as always.


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